


Trying to Escape the Ghost of You

by Freerangeegghead



Category: Everything Sucks (TV)
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-04-13
Updated: 2018-04-28
Packaged: 2019-04-22 06:41:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 19,473
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14303049
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Freerangeegghead/pseuds/Freerangeegghead
Summary: Summary: In which, years later, when  Kate Messner is older, she reflects on her life in Boring, Oregon - her friendships, her relationships and Emaline Addario and wonders how different life would have been had she chosen a different path. T~M, no smut, [Kate Messner, Emaline Addario ], General, friendship, adulting





	1. Chapter 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which, years later, when  Kate Messner is older, she reflects on her life in Boring, Oregon - her friendships, her relationships and Emaline Addario and wonders how different life would have been had she chosen a different path. Slightly A/U. T~M, femslash, no smut, [Kate Messner, Emaline Addario ], General, friendship, adulting

**Pairing:** _Kate Messner/Emaline Addario_

 **TV Show:** _Everything Sucks (Netflix)_

 **Rating:** _T ~ M for language and adult themes, femslash, no smut, slightly A/U_

 **A/N:** _Because Netflix cancelled Everything Sucks. Because it would be nice to see how Kate's life turned out after high school. Because this was a good show that was cancelled too soon. Because it's been a long time since a show actually resonated as much as this one did. Because we were all #Kate Messner at one point in our lives. Or wished we were._

 **Disclaimer:** _Nothing owned, nothing gained, only prose is author's._

* * *

Kate Messner wakes up to the loud buzzing of her alarm, a phonecall, a headache and the incredible need for caffeine.

She sits jolt upright and inadvertently bumps her head against something overhead, she looks up and the disorientation she always feels seconds after she wakes up dissipates. She remembers where she is: Inside a truck of props and equipment, onset on yet another trashy reality  show she seems to have found herself producing. She swipes her phone and texts, tweets, posts flood her screen. The most important one is the calls she's missed from her boss. She groans. Yet another reminder that this show is really, really bad, but that people seem to really like watching judging from the amount of hate-watching, hate mail, bashing and mean tweets online. Already her boss is looking for her. She sighs. For the nth time she wonders how she got here. And what she did to deserve it. And what she could do to _undeserve_ it.

* * *

If someone had told Kate Messner's younger, high school self that in a few years, she'd graduate, get into Berkeley, move out of Boring, Oregon, and into California, struggle for a couple of decades before finally getting a much more regular, permanent job, she'd have laughed in their face.

If that same person had also told her it gets better after high school, she'd have punched that person in the face.

* * *

"Messner! What the fuck?!? Took you long enough, what's wrong with you? One of the contestants is missing, where the fuck is she? Find her!"

Case in point: Her boss, executive producer and all around bitch, Geena Steinberg, holding court in her massive, gleaming office, with its stacks of read, unread and rejected scripts, headshots, potted plants, plaques, trophies and framed photos of her and famous actors, producers and directors.

"Messner, our ratings are fucking insane right now, viewers love that crazy ass clingy single mom. Production's already delayed a couple of hours, go get her," Steinberg says in her characteristic bossy no-nonsense voice, arms akimbo, crazed glint in her eye. It's what makes her one of the most successful, ruthless producers on television. When she sees Kate running her hands over her bloodshot eyes, then her face, Steinberg's normally fierce face softens as she asks, concerned, "You look like shit, Messner, you okay?" In some ways, Kate thinks, Steinberg's almost a friend to her. Almost, she thinks, because there's also the constant reminder that if Kate screws up, Steinberg could just as easily replace her with some other young, up-and-coming talented fresh grad just waiting to move up in Hollywood - which is what Kate Messner had been a few years ago: Fresh out of college, full of promise, armed with a four-year college degree that didn't mean a thing in a cutthroat place like Hollywood. "Is that because of Jean whatserface?"

Kate immediately blushes against her will. "Joan," she corrects Geena, rolling her eyes as she does. Geena has an annoying habit of never getting people's names correctly.  She'd kept calling Kate "Cat" when she'd started out as a P.A.for one of those TV soaps Geena was executive producing. When she couldn't stand it anymore, she'd exasperatedly and brazenly told Geena, "It's Kate, Ms. Steinberg.Kate Messner. Not Cat, not Kit, not Katy, just Kate. It's not that hard a name to remember." There'd been a collective gasp after her announcement, and a shocked silence in which everyone could literally hear a pin drop. For all intents and purposes, she should've already been fired, on the spot, everyone - from the intern to the DP, the ADs, the director, the actors onset, had told her so. Later, Geena told her she would've certainly been fired. But miraculously, she survived her first job and Steinberg took her on. Geena never did tell her why she hadn't been fired but Kate, in retrospect, is grateful she hadn't been fired. Before then she'd worked at TGI Fridays, Seattle's Best, McDonald's, Walmart, pretty much any minimum wage job that could take her on - barely making rent and taking her father's money in embarrassment when she came home for the holidays, her father urging her to come home - there was always a place for her at Boring High ("What's a little healthy dose of nepotism?" He'd sheepishly told her. Kate had cringed inwardly).

Kate now shakes her head and denies it, "God, no," waving her hand away casually. "I...just haven't been sleeping lately."

Geena looks at her, unconvinced, eyebrows raised. She shoves her smartphone to Kate. "Sure it isn't because Joan has conveniently found a rebound who just happens to be an up-and-coming award-winning director?"

Kate barely glances at the TMZ report that has a papparazzi picture of Joan and said director. She couldn't deny though that feeling like her heart has been choked out of her, seeing Joan again, auburn-haired and young and hazel eyed and smiling in the camera.

"...Which by the looks of you must mean you're not over her," Geena says carefully. She withdraws her phone, places it on her desk and sighs. She gestures for Kate to sit. "Sit." Kate sits on the leather chair, knowing that when Geena is in this mood, you might as well follow her orders. Geena studies her for a few seconds, making her feel uncomfortable. She imagined what Geena is seeing: Tall, disheveled woman in her thirties badly in need of a shower, ring in nose, one small tattoo on her wrist (taken one drunken night in college), with bracelet and watch, ears full of earrings, an Oasis shirt under her red, plaid flannel long-sleeved shirt, jeans and Chucks. Not exactly god's gift to women.

"God, you're freakishly tall," Geena comments with a sigh. "Sure you don't want to be a model?"

Kate laughs and shakes her head.

"Listen, Kate, I get it. You loved her, maybe she loved you back, you got dumped..."

"Geena..."

"Get over it!"Geena says with a wave of her hand. "I mean she's an actor, that should have been a red flag for you right from the get-go." Before Kate can speak, Geena raises a hand to indicate that she isn't finished. "Those kids are never the best when it comes to emotions. I know you're hurting right now but Kate, it's been _months_. You need to move on,kid."

"It's not that easy, Geena. And I really cared for her."

Geena just stares at her, incredulous. She is quiet for a few moments before she says, "Oh, god, you lesbians are all the same!"

Kate is surprised. "Me?"

Geena laughs. "Yes! You guys feel too much. You guys take twice as long to get over these things. I mean it took me less time to get over my first divorce!"

"You can't just magically snap your fingers and I'll just suddenly get over it,"Kate reasons out. "It's like praying the gay away. It can't and it won't happen."

"Why not?"

"Because you're born gay."

"Alright, fine,"Geena concedes. "But you've gotta do something with all this," she says gesturing to Kate's get up.

Kate looks down at herself. "What? What about all _this_?"

"You're young, attractive, freakishly tall, you think nobody's gonna hit that?"

Kate blushes again. "I don't do rebounds."

"Neither do I,"Geena says with a smile. "And that's not what I'm asking of you."

"What _are_ you asking of me?"

"To stop moping around for one,"Geena says. "Go out. Have some fun. Have some one night stands..."

"I'm not..."

"Yeah,I know, you're not into one-night stands, whatever," Geena says. "All I'm saying is, I can't watch you drown anymore. And this...you...you're not _living_. You're barely existing as it is. So I think you should go take a break. Call it a leave of absence..."

"What?No...You can't make me."

Geena smirks. "Oh, I can. And I will."

Suddenly, one of the other production staff, Gio, comes in, looking all stressed and tired,like he's just ran too many miles. "Uh, good morning, sorry to bother you, Ms. Steinberg, Ms. Messner, but that lady, Ms. West? The single mom? I think you've gotta come check this out..."

"Why?"

"Uh..."

"Well, out with it!" Steinberg practically shouts with impatience.

"Uh, one of the guys found her? I think make-up? Or wardrobe and..."

"You plan on finishing that sentence this century kid?"Steinberg asks.

"G,what happened to her?" Kate asks.

"Uh, they found her unconscious? In her bedroom? With a bottle of pills? I think she just O.D.'ed."

"Oh, shit," Kate says.

She looks at Geena. Geena only says one word:

" _Fuck_."

* * *

"Okay, explain this to me like I'm a fucking five year old,"Craig Keach demands of both Kate and Geena.

Both are in Keach's office. Keach, a large, gray-haired man with a stubble and cynical eyes, is the creator of "Infinite" the reality series that Kate and Geena are working on, a knock-off of "The Bachelor". Keach has made a lot of money off of a lot of trashy reality shows that has earned the ire of a lot of critics - conservatives, religious people, Hollywood elite - who see his shows as nothing but the lowest common denominator in Hollywood, celebrating the worst of Hollywood's basest, most superficial, crassest instincts. Keach is also, unfortunately Geena's boss. And Geena's boss is not entirely happy with a contestant having been rushed to the hospital for overdosing on anti-depressants and sleeping pills.

"I want to fucking know how a fucking crazed woman got into our fucking show and ended up in the fucking hospital in the process!"

Keach starts out speaking slow, but by the end of his question, he is practically shouting and angry. "How the fuck did that happen? Do you two know how much fucking shit we are in?"

Both Kate and Geena are silent. Finally, Geena speaks up. "Look, Craig, I know you're upset..."

"Oh,no, you misunderstand me,"Craig says, wagging a finger at them. "I'm not upset," he says. He pauses, letting that sink in, before he grabs a coffee mug and hurls it clear across the room,missing the two women by an inch. The two women quickly duck. He calmly says, "I'm fucking furious."

"Shit," Geena mutters under her breath.

The two women are quiet. When nobody speaks up, Geena clears her throat and says, "Craig, we have a very rigid selection process - we go over their psych profiles, background, past relationships, jobs, even with the most rigorous selection process we have, it's entirely possible someone like Liz could still have slipped through..."

"How, Steinberg? How?"

Geena and Kate are quiet. This is a slippery slope they are in now. Both knew they are in the business of sensationalism and heightened realities - the more salacious and possibly controversial background their potential "contestant" had, the more potential publicity they had which would translate into more more viewers, higher ratings, more advertisers, and more money for everyone involved. Kate knows this because this was the first she learned from Geena, who, in turn, learned it from Craig himself.  If either one admits they had chosen her for something a little less unpredictable than overdosing in the bathroom in her room, then Kate knows they would both be fired on the spot. So both keep quiet.

"How could this clearly mentally unstable woman slip past our radar, make it into our fucking show, and attempt suicide?!?"

When neither woman speaks, Keach speaks up again. "Who spoke to her last?"

"Craig..."Geena begins.

"Who?!?"

Geena sighs. They both know how Keach is when he is being like this. She leans back on her chair, glances at Kate, looks at her apologetically and says, "Kate."

Kate is surprised. More than that, she is angry. When Keach turns to her, anger barely controlled on his face, Kate swallows. She realizes with a sinking feeling, as Keach glares at her, that they are looking for a scapegoat to calm nervous executives and sponsors' feathers.

* * *

"Kate, wait, please..."

Kate pretends not to hear Geena as she slams the door on her way out.

"Kate..."

She sighs, stops and turns around. "What?!?"

Geena stops. "Kate...I'm sorry..."

"What the hell, Geena?" She finally angrily says. "You freaking threw me under the bus in there!"

"Kate, I'm sorry..."Geena begins softly, tone conciliatory.

"You were there when we were reviewing her profile, Geena, you said she was okay, that she could spice up the show a bit. Your very words Geena," Kate accused her. "The very same words you told me to tell her the night before she attempted suicide."

"I know, alright? I know," Geena says, trying to be apologetic. "How was I supposed to know she was going to do it with a bang."

"Go big or go home, huh?" Kate says bitterly. She closes her eyes, remembering telling the woman in the hospital those words as well. She feels the guilt wash over her. "She has two kids, Geena."

"I know, Kate."

"One of them's only a few months old, Geena. A freaking baby, Geena."

"I know, Kate."

"We're destroying lives here..."

"Oh, c'mon Kate, don't guilt trip me..."

"What?"

"They knew what they were getting into,Kate, they signed contracts, not our fault they didn't read the fine print."

Kate stares at Geena. "Geena, our show practically drove someone to commit suicide."

"Attempt a suicide, Kate, attempt, she didn't really die or anything."

"Oh, so that makes it better?" Kate asks. "Oh, she didn't die so it's okay?"

"Of course, it's not okay," Geena says. "But what's done is done and now we have to think about what's best for everyone..."

"By letting me go?" Kate asks. "You're looking for a scapegoat Geena and unfortunately, I'm it for today."

"We're not exactly letting you go," Geena explains. " We're just...asking you to take a break for awhile..."

"What?"

"Just for a little while...til this whole thing blows over..."

Kate stares at Geena. "You're freaking unbelievable, you know that?"

Geena grimaces. "I know. I'm sorry. It was either that or shut the whole thing down..."

Kate just looks at Geena. "Screw you, Geena."

"See honey? That's the thing. You can't even cuss right. You're too fucking _nice_."

Kate just stares at her. "You know what, Geena? I'm freaking done.”

Geena groans. “Kate, you can’t mean that...You can’t just…walk away from all of these…”

Kate just stares her down. “Watch me.”

* * *

As she gets into her car and drives away, she gets multiple texts and then finally, a call from her stepbrother, Luke O’Neill. She takes the call as she navigates her away around LA traffic.

“What?” she barks into the phone.

There is a surprised at the other end of the line before Luke’s familiar voice says, “Wow, rude much?”

“Sorry, sorry, got a lot on my mind lately,” Kate mutters. _Yeah, on top of my girlfriend dumping me, I think I just got fired from my job, so screw this,really._

“Yeah, Jan dumped you…”

“It’s Joan! Geez, how hard is it to get her name right?” Kate snaps at her. "I know you've never liked her, but, geez, Luke..."

“Wow, so moody, are you on your freaking period or what?”

“Screw you,” Kate says.

“I missed you, too, Kate,” Luke says with a laugh. "And no, it's not that I, _we_ , don't like _Joan_ , it's just that we think you're too good for her." 

As Kate comes to a stop in an intersection, waiting for the light to turn red, Kate finds herself shaking her head and smiling. “Sorry, Luke. I’m just a bit upset. What’s up?”

“Why? What happened?”

As the red light turns to green and Kate guns the engine, she proceeds to tell Luke what happened at work. As she recounts the conversation with Geena and then their boss, Craig, Luke is, predictably, attentive, sympathetic and supportive – all the reasons why he is still Kate’s best friend after all these years, their bond cemented when her father finally marries his mother.

At the end of her story, Luke is silent for a while before he says, “Wow, I’m so sorry, Kate. What are you gonna do now?”

Kate shrugs, even though Luke can’t see her doing so. “Dunno. Take a break. Find a job. Got payments to make…”

“Go home for Thanksgiving?”

“Luke…”

“I know, I know, but you gotta come home sometime. Plus one of my homeboys from Portland says there’s some kind of job opening at some TV station there that has your name written all over it. And your dad misses you. My mom misses you. Zayn misses you. Heck, _I_ miss you.  I know the cooking ain’t that great, and there’s gonna be some awkward questions about your love life…”

Kate snorts. Her dad. Her mom. Zayn. There’s an ache in her that she hasn’t felt in awhile. She realizes she misses them all so much. And she hasn’t seen Zayn, her half-brother since he finished grade school. He’d have to be starting high school now. It would be her father’s last year as the high school principal, he’s retiring after this school year, so she knows Zayn would be spared the worst of the embarrassment of having your father be the principal of the school you go to.

“But I’ve got a plan to distract them from your love life.”

“What’s that?”

Luke pauses, which makes Kate impatient. Luke does this just to annoy Kate, like any annoying brother. “What? Spit it out. I ain’t got all day, O’Neill…”

Luke laughs. “Okay. I’m getting married.”

Kate almost crashes into the car infront of her.

“What?”

“Yes!” Luke confirms happily. “Zoey said yes.”

“Wow, that’s…” Kate swallows. “That’s great, Luke. I’m so happy for you.”

“Yeah, me too!” Luke says. “So, you’ve gotta come for Thanksgiving. I ain’t taking no for an answer. And Zoey won’t either.”

“Luke…” Kate struggles to find the words to explain to her stepbrother that though she’s genuinely happy for him, she doesn’t know how she can go without feeling even more depressed.

“Plus it’s Thanksgiving, and we’ve got that high school reunion right after Thanksgiving that’s gonna be da bomb,” Luke says. “Class of 1999 represent!”

Kate groans. She forgot about that – their high school reunion. Luke had been telling her about the stupid reunion since last year, whenever he can. She'd heard their high school friend Leslie and Tyler are organizing. She'd seen the facebook posts, the emails, the instagram posts, the Twitter feeds. There'd been so much of it that she'd been ready to swear off social media altogether. At best, she’s been happy at being able to avoid any and all reunions that involve having to go back to her hometown and see people she hasn’t seen since she graduated from high school.

“Luke, the ‘90s called, it’s time to retire ‘Da Bomb’,” Kate kids him softly.

Luke laughs. “Ha-ha. Funny. So you’re coming right? See you soon!”

Before Kate could say anything, she hears the click at the other end of the line. She sighs. She is about to shift gears when she suddenly sees a car come out nowhere and crash into her car.

* * *

Kate drives her now dented car home. After hours of talking to the other, rather upset driver, they had come to an agreement – an agreement that would at least avert any court proceedings for now. _This could not get any worse_ , she thinks to herself.

She drags her feet out of the car, looks up at her empty apartment, feels the loneliness creep in, wonders for the nth time, if she should throw in the towel, go back home for good and never look back.

She stares up at her apartment, undecided, before she trudges up the steps.

To her surprise, Joan, her ex-girlfriend, is there, waiting by the doorstep. Joan slowly stands up, looking unsure and anxious, running a nervous hand over her wavy, auburn hair, hazel eyes looking at her uncertainly, looking impossibly gorgeous and apologetic, before she slowly smiles and softly says, “Hey…”

 

 


	2. Chapter 2

“What are you doing here?” is Kate’s first question, followed by, “Please leave…”

Kate stands there, arms crossed in front of her, eyes knitted, looking angry and sulky but trying not to be distracted by how even more attractive Joan has looked since they broke up. How is she doing that? She wonders. She tries to ignore the surge of conflicting emotions at seeing her ex-girlfriend again: elation, sadness, anger, resentment, a need to lash out and a host of other feelings boiling to the surface.  She'd imagined this scenario so many times in the past few months that she couldn't really believe it now that Joan is here. She still looks good, pretty and sexy in that way that Kate likes.

Anxious and distraught, Joan comes up to her, attempts to reach for Kate’s hands and says, “Kate…it’s so good to see you…I’ve missed you…”

Kate takes her hands away, a little too abruptly and angrily, as she says, “No…No, Joan…”

“What?”

“You don’t get to do that…”

“Do what?”

Kate gestures towards her. “That. This. Like nothing’s happened. Like this whole screwed up year didn’t happen. Like you just didn’t break my heart into a million pieces.”

“I love you, Kate…”

"No, no, **_no_** ," Kate says firmly, shaking her head, trying to stop the tears from falling. "You love me? You don't get to do that either, Joan...."

Joan pauses for a second, confused, before she says, “I don't understand?”

Kate shakes her head. “Please leave, Joan. I can’t right now. I just can’t…I’m sorry.”

“Kate…”

Kate closes her eyes, tries not to cry, seeing Joan again. She cannot deny her heart feeling like it’s just been wrenched from her chest. But she doesn’t speak, holds her ground, refuses to look at Joan.

Joan stands there, waiting for Kate to speak to her, but when she realizes Kate has no intention of talking to her, she sighs.

“I know you hate me right now. And I know nothing I’ll ever do will make it feel better. I've spent months thinking about this and realizing I've made a mistake. I realize now i shouldn't have let you go, Kate. And I'm sorry about that. I'm sorry for letting you go. I'm sorry for hurting you. I won’t stop trying to win you back,” she whispers. When Kate doesn’t say anything, she touches Kate’s arm for a second before she leaves.

When Kate is sure she has left, she looks around, feeling the emptiness where Joan has just left and realizes how alone she is.

Kate sighs and lets herself into her empty apartment.

* * *

Kate has just fallen asleep when her phone rings and the door buzzes. As she fumbles for her mobile phone, sleepily mumbles "Hello?" while stumbling to the door, a chirpy "Rise and shine, Kate!"greets her on the phone.

Before she can process the voice on the phone, she opens the door and there, on her doorstep, is her stepbrother Luke O'Neill, tall and older in his favorite Tupac shirt, cargo shorts and sneakers. He's grown taller, more muscular, more handsome with his close cropped hair and goatee that everyone, including Kate and his fiancee are trying to have him shave off, but the grin and the twinkle in his eye are unmistakable. A scar above his right eye reminds Kate of younger days, something that makes Kate, a year older than Luke, feel protective of him, even now.

"Luke?" Kate asks, in disbelief as Luke's grin grows wider.

Another man, as tall as Luke, and as attractive, pops out, bounds up the steps, himself wearing a Star Wars tee shirt, cargo shorts, flannel and Air Jordans and grins, “Hey, Kate!”

Tyler Bowen's curls bounce up and down as he excitedly shifts from one foot to the other, goofily smiles at Kate and dorkily gives her two thumbs’ up signs.

"Hey, Kate," Luke says, turning his cellphone off as he moves to hug Kate. "C'mere and give me some love. Platonic, non-gay love."

Kate can't help but laugh as she hugs her stepbrother. "What are you guys doing here?”

"What, I can't drive all the way to L.A.to see my stepsis?"

Kate says, "It’s sixteen hours! You could have told me."

"Why? Are you hiding some hot lesbian chick in there?" Tyler peers inside her apartment.

Kate blushes.

Luke knits his eyebrows. “See, Tyler, this is why you can’t get dates. Creepy much?”

Tyler grins. "I'm kidding, dude, I’m kidding," Tyler says, laughing. "Never gets old."

Kate glares at him. When she doesn’t say anything, Luke asks, impatiently, “Well?”

“Well what?”

“Is there an inappropriately dressed, half-naked hot lesbian in there that Tyler and I may or may not want to meet?” When Kate doesn't answer, "You know, like that one time back in college when I dropped by your dorm unannounced and..."

Kate makes a face and quickly says, "Gross. No, of course not. There’s nobody in there. Just little old me."

Luke pretends to breathe out a sigh of relief. "Oh, good, your sex life is one less thing I have to worry about."

Tyler chuckles. “Sex life, haha!”

Kate glares at Tyler. “Are you twelve?” She turns to Luke, “Gross again."

Luke laughs.

"Why are you here? Besides obsess about my non-existent sex life?"

Luke grins. "I've come to drive you home. Thanksgiving's around the corner, gonna make sure you won't miss this one. Tyler just came to keep me company. He’s a bad driver.”

Tyler nods. “Yeah, I am.”

When Kate just stands there, uncertain of what to do next, Luke says, "Well, whatcha doin', woman? Get packing. Time’s a-wasting. Got a long drive ahead of us."

Kate sighs. "Alright."

Tyler lifts up one hand, makes a fist pump and says, “Yes! Road trip!”

Kate looks at Luke, troubled. “I’m gonna regret this, aren’t I?”

Luke smiles as he puts an arm around her. “No, you won’t,” Luke assures her. “Tyler’s a dork but he’s awesome…”

“Hey, I’m right here!” Tyler complains as he makes a bee line to the fridge.

“And…I’m cool, and I’m black so I’m twice as cool,” Luke continues.

“Oh my god, you’re black?” Kate says in mock horror.

As Tyler stares at what’s inside the fridge, he says, “Hey, your fridge’s empty. What do you gays eat?" When he realizes he's made an error, he backtracks and quickly corrects himself, " _Guys!_  Sorry, I mean, guys, not gays…”

Kate rolls her eyes. “Placenta and the blood of your unborn children. You want to be stabbed in the dick?”

Tyler instinctively covers his crotch. “Sorry.”

Kate turns to Luke. “Glad to see Tyler’s still…Tyler. Let me go pack. Wait here.” And to both of them, she says, “Don’t touch anything.” 

* * *

In Luke's gleaming SUV, after they've stowed Kate's luggage, bags, laptop and various accouterments at the back of the vehicle, and both are buckled up, Tyler grins and says, “This is gonna be awesome!” as Luke guns the engine, and drives away from the curb. As he does so, the stereo plays Tupac Shakur's "Changes" and Tyler, who has slipped into the back, all buckled up, starts to bob his head up and down.

The ride to Oregon is predictably unpredictable, Luke, Kate and Tyler loud and boisterous the first hour or so coming out of L.A.rotating their playlists, Tyler getting a chance to play Beastie Boys, Eminem, and to both Luke and Kate's consternation, even some Vanilla Ice, while Luke plays some of Tupac Shakur's earliest songs, some Dr. Dre, Snoop Dogg, Mary J. Blige, everyone singing along to "Next Episode" and Tyler practically shouting "Smoke Weed Everyday!"and Mary J.Blige's "Family Affair", all the while arguing about their top five best songs of all time. Once Kate has had enough, she says, "Alright, my turn!" and she plays "Don't Look Back In Anger" by Oasis to both Luke and Tyler's frustration.

"What? It's a good song,"Kate says.

"You know Oasis is like the 90s version of Bon Jovi right?" Luke asks.

"Yeah, give me Blur's 'Song 2' any day, woohoo!" Tyler says.

"Well, it's either this or some Tori Amos so take your pick,"Kate says.

"Nooooo!" Tyler jokes in mock horror.

"Not Tori Amos! No," Luke adds with a grin. "Kill me now."

Tyler leans over to Luke and says, "Dude you remember that time you scored tickets to a Tori Amos concert for Kate?"

"Yeah, Tyler, I remember, don't remind me."

"If you guys stayed together, Luke would've gotten you tickets to a Sarah McLachlan concert, too, Kate. Or Lilith Fair!" Tyler says with a smile.

"I'm actually surprised you know Sarah McLachlan and Lillith Fair," Kate remarks. She then turns around and says, "What's wrong with Sarah McLachlan though? She wrote some good songs."

"Nothing. If Luke were a lesbian, too," Tyler says. "Actually,I thought Luke was a lesbian for most of high school."

Luke glares at him. "Shut up,Ty."

Kate looks at Tyler and smiles.

Tyler grins at Luke. "You always seemed like you were on your period, dude," Tyler says.

Kate chuckles.

"Kate, don't encourage him."

"Dude, Kate liking Tori Amos shoulda clued you in that she was really gay."

As Kate and Tyler laugh, Luke just shakes his head, leans over and changes the music muttering about needing to concentrate on driving (as he half-jokingly says, “In case I get pulled over for driving while black”). As he turns the volume up on his stereo, a silence settles in the car, Tyler leaning back and closing his eyes, muttering about being tired for not being able to sleep all night on the way to L.A. Kate had just taken her cellphone out and is mindlessly checking her messages when  the guitar intro of Duran Duran's 'Ordinary World' plays and she stops.

" _Came in from a rainy Thursday on the avenue_

_Thought I heard you talking softly_

_I turned on the lights, the TV, and the radio_

_Still I can't escape the ghost of you..."_

Kate’s heart suddenly seizes, feels like it's plunged to her stomach and it leaves her breathless.

Kate leans back, looks out the window, at the clear, blue sky, the blur of palm trees, cars and people and buildings rushing past the window and she closes her eyes.

Emaline.

Emaline Addario.

She hadn't thought of Emaline in so long. A rush of memories, both confusing and disorienting, come rushing back to her - that  sexy Gucci fragrance Emaline always wore that made her smell like gardenias and freesia all the time, the feel of her smooth skin against Kate's, the sensation of soft hands holding hers, the taste of soft lips against her own, soft breath against her neck, laughter and gentle smiles and promises whispered in the cool of many a long night.

There's suddenly an ache within her, as of a longing, a yearning to wish things could be as they were back in high school - when the worst that she had to worry about were bad grades, failing the SATs, getting rejected by colleges, being outed at school and juggling school and a beautiful girlfriend, when things were both more innocent and more boring, when things were simpler and less complicated, terrifying and magical. When all she could think about was Emaline, Emaline Addario and her soft smiles and her gentle touches and the look on her face as if Kate were the whole world to her. She suddenly has the urge to see Emaline Addario once again. 

She looks out the window and wonders and yearns and thinks about those younger days...


	3. Chapter 3

She’d always found Emaline Addario beautiful.

That day she’d first seen her do her performance at the cafeteria and all the days after that, when she’d see her walking down the hallway with her then boyfriend Oliver, see her chatting with her friends, see her at lunch, see her in the girls’ locker room, she’d always marvel at how beautiful she was. Even when she was being mean to her, Kate’s affection for her had not diminished. There’d been something about her in that cafeteria that day – something confident and powerful, sexy and attractive, she could draw anyone’s attention to her with a look or a word, and she filled the space with so much of her presence. She had been electric, magnetic, mesmerizing. With her blond curls and her grungy, goth, Courtney Love-inspired clothing, and her make-up, Kate thought the world of Emaline Addario and there were days when she wished she could just get the courage to go up to her and talk to her. Everytime she saw Emaline or whenever Emaline entered a room, Kate’s heart would skip a beat and she’d feel breathless, speechless all of a sudden. And when Emaline would look at her, Kate’s heart would beat faster, and she was worried that Emaline could hear how loudly her heart pounded against her ears. She adored Emaline.

When Emaline catches her staring at her that day at the locker room, and spoke to her, she'd been surprised,  speechless and not a bit shy, as she would later realize she would be around women she liked. When Emaline had accused her of copping a feel, taunted her and called her a lesbian, it had hurt Kate but she'd gone through much more than that in her younger years and her father had told her words are just words anyway, they won't hurt unless you let them. But nothing had prepared her for what happens next. Nothing prepares her for Emaline Addario. Nothing prepares her at all.

* * *

She'd overheard later that Oliver had confronted Emaline about what happened at the locker room, and that what Emaline told him then was the opposite of the scene she'd made then.

She didn't want to hope. Didn't want to take the risk. She'd known what people did to gay people like her. There'd been people like Brandon Teena, whose brutal death had been on the news her last year of grade school, Matthew Shepard's death over in Wyoming and even one in Oregon, over in Medford - Roxanne Ellis and Michelle Abdill - a lesbian couple murdered for being gay - who reminded her things were not okay for gay people. She read about them, remembered them, never forgot them, because to do so would be to let her guard down, expose herself to the dangers inherent in being gay, and in the process put herself in harm's way. She'd gotten a taste of it when they'd written "Dyke" on her locker room and she'd been terrified, there'd been something malicious, threatening about it. She had to be more careful. She had to protect herself. Protect her father. She'd seen how devastated her father was over her mother's suicide. She couldn't do that to him. It would kill him.

And so she tried - tried to keep from staring, tried to stop herself from getting excited at the thought of going to school everyday, tried to stop herself from searching for Emaline in the hallway, at the cafeteria, at gym, in the auditorium, on the grounds. Tried not to look happy or interested when she did see her.

She'd tried so many times to stop herself liking girls. Tried to like Luke, tried to date him, tried to kiss him and enjoy it. Tried her best to care. She'd tried and failed. He hadn't been the first boy she'd tried to like - she'd tried liking boys in grade school and middle school, too, once the other girls had started developing crushes on boys and would ask her about boys she liked but found herself profoundly uninterested in them. She'd make up names - non-existent boys, JTT, Leonardo diCaprio - but she felt like such a liar somehow, afraid they would see right through her. She'd have prayed if she could, prayed the gay away, but she didn't believe in God, hadn't believed in God since her mother killed herself, and so she lived her whole young life with the suspicion that she might be gay.

Kissing Luke had made her realize that. She'd never wanted to date him, never wanted to touch him or kiss him. But he'd railroaded her with a music video of one of her favorite songs, publicly asked her out, ensuring she couldn't turn him down without humiliating both of them, hurting him and ensuring the rumors about her are true. He'd started going around telling everyone she was his girlfriend, proved his love by walking her to class, hanging out with her, taking the fall for the fire alarm fiasco, buying her tickets to a Tori Amos concert, but she'd seen those two women kissing at the concert and she had realized she had wanted that. That she didn't want to pretend anymore. That she had to accept herself for who she was. That everything was going to be okay, no matter what. She'd broken up with Luke then and slowly tried to accept who she was.

By some miracle she'd found herself working with the Drama Club and Emaline, because she'd stupidly pulled that alarm at the theater that destroyed all the Drama Club's sets and props and the Drama Club wouldn't stop prank calling Luke.

She'd been as scared as the boys were when they'd gone to talk to the Drama Club to offer a truce. The Drama boys had taken Luke, Tyler and McQuaid to make fun of them and the girls were about to do the same with Kate but Emaline but Emaline had said, "Hey, nobody touches the principal daughter."

When somebody had joked that Emaline had gone soft in her old age, Emaline had given them her most withering glare and said, "Do you want detention or expulsion? Take your pick. Either way you're not getting out of this freaking town alive. So hands off on the principal's daughter. But hey, if you insist, it's your funeral, not mine."

The others had quickly let Kate go then, with only a couple of guys restraining her from going to Luke.

Seeing Luke and the others being humiliated had upset her and she'd finally spoken up, stood up to the Drama Club, and they'd all stopped and stared at her, surprised. Nobody stood up like that to Drama Club. When Luke had proposed a truce and a collaboration between their clubs, Emaline had been skeptical, resistant, but Oliver was interested and asked Luke what the story would be about. Caught by surprise, Luke had fumbled, struggling to come up with an idea. Kate had been the one to come up with the alien invasion and the forbidden love story idea, her piercing eyes unapologetically looking at Emaline.  Kate had not exactly been subtle to Emaline about how much she liked her. Whenever she caught Kate looking at her, Kate would not turn away, refused to look away, looked at her with such an openness and honestly that Emaline had to be the first to look away. Emaline hadn't seen anyone look at her the way Kate had - innocent admiration, soft smile on her face. Most people - boys usually - looked at her with lust. And the girls just looked at her with either disgust, contempt or boredom. Here was a person who seemed to see Emaline for what and who she is. And however mean Emaline had been to her, the way Kate looked at her never changed. Emaline had grown uncomfortable at that, she would tell Kate afterwards. Kate hadn't been aware of how she looked at Emaline and she'd asked Emaline once how she looked. Emaline had shaken her head, told her it was impossible to describe.

That time at the theater had been when Emaline truly noticed her, she had said. Although Emaline had told her she'd noticed her even before - mostly because she was the principal's daughter and she didn't seem to care so much about other people.

After that, Emaline had sought her out, asking her to go with her to look at costumes, surprising Kate. Kate's comments - not being interested in how she dressed, not interested in how boys responded to her, had Emaline puzzled. Here was a girl who seemed to exist outside the the high school bubble they all lived in, existed beyond it, was untouched by it. Emaline had envied her. Kate didn't care about  attention or approval.

Later, Emaline would joke to her about that, saying, "I like to think that was our first date." Emaline even admits to having checked her out in the dressing room. When Kate had asked her if Emaline meant the compliments she said about her, Emaline had looked her in the eye then and said, as softly and as sincerely as she can, "Yes."

* * *

Luke breaks into her thoughts right then and there, gently touching her arm, bringing her back to the present. Her eyes fly open. She realizes the music has changed, to Jay-Z and Alicia Keys' "Empire State of Mind" and that the car has stopped. She peers out and it's a gas station. Tyler has hopped out, still bobbing his head as he puts gas into the tank, whipping out  his credit card and briefly arguing with Luke as Luke waves his own card.

"I got this man," Tyler says, brandishing his own credit card as he heads to the cashier, or rather, bounces up to the cashier. Kate looks at him and realizes, not for the nth time, how much like a cute, eager puppy he is - unperturbed by an alcoholic father, his learning disability, his general difference from the others. He's turned out to be a good guy, Kate thinks. Still sometimes a bit clueless, but cute nonetheless.

Looking at him Kate thinks he has done well, turning his disability into a strength, making a living in computer graphics design and photography and being a professional gamer on the side, gracing gaming magazines and snagging endorsements right and left. He'd lately been dividing his time between designing and gaming and he seems really happy about it.

As for Luke, for all of high school, all he'd ever wanted to be was a filmmaker. He'd wanted to be like George Lucas or Steven Spielberg, which most boys his age growing up in a small town like Boring wanted to be. His grades and S.A.T.s were good enough that he could get a scholarship to  a New York film school. Armed with a film degree, he would discover how hard it would be to break into the business. Ever cocky and self-assured, he'd applied to production companies and studios on the East and West coast, even tried his hand applying at the Rockefeller Center, going to numerous job fairs, went as far as New Orleans, went to parties to network, get business cards, strike up friendships. He'd regularly update Kate, who'd already moved to California at that time. It was Kate he'd confide to, about how soul-crushing jobhunting was, how hard it was that he had a film degree and he was working jobs at restaurants, or deliver packages or work as a clown or mascot. Kate listened, encouraged, pushed him, offered to help him, but Luke had been adamant, wanted to make it on his own. A couple of years after college, he still hadn't found any job he liked and had started auditioning, much to Kate's surprise. He would play the role of the token black friend or the gangster or the abusive black boyfriend and if he felt like he was being stereotyped he didn't let on but Kate could sense him feeling a little less enamored, more bitter, disillusioned about Hollywood. As a last ditch effort he'd come to California, slept on the couch in Kate'd apartment and spent days looking for jobs, doing the odd job here and there and helping with the rent if and when he can.

During one of their movie nights - a holdover from when they were younger, having movie nights with Kate's dad and Luke's mom, and later on, having Emaline and whoever was Luke's girlfriend at the time, over for marathon watching - Kate and Luke had re-watched Spike Lee movies and a realization had hit Luke then. He realized he wasn't really that good a filmmaker to begin with and that he didn't want to be a filmmaker anymore anyway. He'd confessed this to Kate then. "All Hollywood wants are prequels, sequels, remakes, reboots, superhero movies,"he'd commented, realizing it wasn't what he wanted to do. He looks back at his first film and he realized he wanted more than to entertain, he wanted to have meaningful films, films that changed people's perceptions of things. He wouldn't be a filmmaker, but he could be something better.

At this time he'd reawakened to his African American heritage, read books, re-read Malcom X and Eldridge Cleaver and Martin Luther King and the idea had come to him. A documentary about Selma.

Kate had not been entirely surprised by his career decision and had been amazed at his renewed energy - working different jobs as he produced his documentary. He'd enlisted Tyler's help and some other people and the film had debuted to critical acclaim at Sundance. He'd produce and direct a documentary about Rosa Parks, Nina Simone, the Million Man March and is now hard at work at a  Tupac Shakur documentary. His films had shown at different film festivals and he had garnered accolades for it. Luke is finally happy, able to realize his potential.

"Hey, you okay?" Luke asks her now, concern all over his face.

Kate looks at him, feels at a loss for words for a second before she quickly nods. "Yeah, of course, why wouldn't I be?"

"Sure? You don't look too good, Kate," Luke says. "We've dated, lived together, practically have been best friends our whole lives, don't tell me I don't know when you're not okay."

Kate makes a face. "Don't remind me."

Luke grins. He reaches over to change songs and then Ace of Base's "It's A Beautiful Life" starts playing. "Nothing like a little Ace of Base to get you in the mood."

Kate throws her hands up in the air. "Oh god, no,Luke. I thought the point of growing up was to realize not everything you grew up with was good..."

"What you talking about? Ace of Base is da..."

"Da bomb, I know, I know," Kate says. "The 90s called man, it wants you to retire da bomb."

Luke ignores her.

"Also, can you _please_ play something else other than this?"

Luke grins. "What? I grew up in a white household, of course I'd acquire a taste for crappy, white music."

"Hey!" Kate says, pretending to be offended. "Also, don't blame us for your taste in music. You were into Oasis."

"I know right?" Luke says. "But high school me also liked Celine Dion so..." 

They look at each other, then dissolve into laughter.

Luke grins at Kate, affection for his one-time high school girlfriend turned best friend and stepsister brimming to the surface. “C’mon, sing it with me now, I know you know the words," he says as he cranks up the volume.

Kate rolls her eyes and escapes Ace of Base by saying she has to go to the restroom. When she comes back out, she sees Tyler heading back to the car. She follows suit.

When both of them are back in the car, Kate turns around and says, "Tyler, can you settle this?"

"What?" Tyler asks as he buckles up.

"Was the 90s the cultural wasteland that a lot of people think it is or is it the cultural oasis that it sometimes was?"

Luke turns to look at him, too.

Tyler looks at both of them for a second, confused, unsure, says, "Uh..." igniting a debate that would continue for the rest of the drive.

* * *

On their way to Oregon, the three decide to get some rest at a motel. With a start, Kate is surprised when they drive into the same motel they stayed years ago when they were filming Luke’s first movie. It looks smaller somehow, decrepit, twenty years of wear and tear apparent on its facade. Tyler and Luke share a room and Kate gets her own. She is a bit disappointed it isn’t the same room she shared with Emaline years ago, but the motel itself is conjuring up so many memories in her, that, lying all alone on the bed, she remembers things like it was yesterday... 

* * *

Kate remembers that they'd had a truce when both the AV Club and Drama Club started shooting for Luke's film project - Kate is glad that she could see and spend time with Emaline far longer than just a passing glimpse of her in the hallway. But she had to be careful around her - Emaline had, afterall, accused her of inappropriately touching her in the locker room, so Kate was aloof, distant towards Emaline. So while Emaline had quietly struck up a friendship with Tyler and McQuaid, Kate had remained in the background, heart quietly pounding fast whenever she had to do Emaline's hair, make-up and costume, resisting the urge to reach out and touch her, or tell her how she feels.

It wasn't until Oliver ditched them all in the middle of shooting to pursue his dreams of being an actor in New York that Kate had actually been able to talk to her. Emaline had looked sad that day they went to L.A., to shoot at Dominguez Rocks. So sad in fact that Kate had gotten the courage to comfort her, telling her someone who could so readily leave her like that wasn't really worth it. She's surprised herself and Emaline with that statement. Kate had always wondered anyway what Emaline had seen in Oliver - Oliver treated Emaline as less than a girlfriend anyway and more like a prop, or an accessory - something that looked good on him, elevate his cred at the school. Oliver had always struck Kate as a self-absorbed, self-centered boy - she'd seen it enough times at school. His leaving Oregon without even saying goodbye to Emaline was a testament to that.

When Kate had made that remark about Oliver she had braced herself for Emaline's violent response - afterall, she couldn't remember a time when Emaline and Oliver _weren't_ a couple. So it surprised her even more that Emaline had taken that in stride, had taken no offense for it, had actually talked to her. Emaline had wondered then how Kate seemed to exist outside of the pettiness of high school life with no care in the world, and how she could still be nice to Emaline despite how mean she had been to her. Kate had asked her about that and when Emaline had admitted she had been jealous of her, jealous of how cool she was, Kate had been surprised. Kate had told her then. Told her then, heart pounding, even if she had been terrified beyond belief, afraid of Emaline's reaction, or rejection, afraid of what she'd do once she heard what Kate had to say. But tell Emaline she did - that she found Emaline the sexiest, most attractive person she'd ever met, that she was perfect. She'd fallen quiet then, afraid she'd said too much, afraid Emaline would get angry, storm out of the room, and tell everybody else how gay Kate was for her. She fervently hoped Emaline wouldn't do it. She couldn't bear it if Emaline did. For a few heartbeats Emaline doesn't say anything, her steely blue green eyes holding Kate in a steady gaze, as if thinking about what she has said, thinking about her response. It would either be acceptance now or worse, rejection. Kate had wanted to look away, but she feels paralyzed by the truth of her words, paralyzed by Emaline's gaze. She instantly feels as if she is falling, falling, falling, terrified and exhilirated at the same time. It would have to be up to Emaline now. Emaline hadn't known of course how much of a hold she had on Kate. If she'd done  something other than what she had done that night, Kate would have been devastated. But then she surprises both of them when she leans over instead and tries to kiss Kate. Had Leslie not barged in, Kate and Emaline would have kissed then. It had been unexpected, but it had been a pleasant surprise - a wordless acknowledgment. It had been better than anything Emaline could have said at that moment. And it had confirmed an attraction between them that up to that point Kate only wished existed but never dared hope could happen. She had spent that night then aching to touch Emaline but contenting herself with the knowledge that Emaline hadn't pushed her away when she told her.

* * *

The next day, Luke and Tyler wake her up. They have a quick breakfast of soggy scrambled eggs and pitch black toast, beans and butter to Luke grinning and saying, “Cool beans”, to which Kate rolls her eyes as she sips her extra strong black coffee.

After they’d paid the motel, they all quickly pile into Luke’s car and as they continue on driving to Oregon, Luke surprises her with  a quick detour to Dominguez rocks.

"What are we doing here?" Kate asks as she grabs her sunglasses, looking out at the familiar rocks.

Luke shrugs. "For some strange reason Tyler's feeling a bit nostalgic. Also he has this thing about throwbacks and posting them on Instagram."

Kate steps out of the car and wishes she'd worn thicker soled shoes instead of the Chucks she chose to wore, feeling the sharp stones beneath her feet. She also wishes she'd worn more comfortable clothing than the low-waisted skinny jeans she is wearing now or the tight top she's wearing. She'd never really been butch as such, but she'd never been quite feminine either, although she wishes sometimes she could wear baggy shorts and shirts as easily as the boys could. 

Tyler hops out of the car, all excited and energetic, iPhone at the ready as he goes out and takes photos, directing Luke and Kate to stand against a rocky backdrop or a boulder, late afternoon sun behind them.

As he and Tyler joke and tease each other, Kate looks at them, at her two oldest friends, and she smiles.

* * *

As Kate walks around Dominguez Rocks, she could still see, in her mind’s eye where they shot what scenes all those years ago. Luke and Tyler walk around, chatting with each other, laughing or shouting at some memory, leaving Kate alone. Kate had always been the quiet one in the group, and both know better than to bother her when she’s in a quiet, solitary mood.

She'd been happy with Emaline at Dominguez Rocks. Happy to be with her. There had been an unspoken understanding, as of a mutual acknowledgement of feelings - Kate telling her she found her attractive, Emaline almost kissing her for it. She'd been happy at the knowing looks they shared, as if a secret had been uncovered and shared between them, a secret that's made them closer, stronger, inseparable. When Kate would catch Emaline looking, their eyes would meet, Emaline's blue green eyes would soften, she would smile at her and Kate would smile back. They would find ways to touch each other - fleeting seemingly innocent, harmless touches that passed unnoticed - a hand on an arm, fingers tracing paint on Kate's cheeks, Kate's hand on Emaline's back or arm as she leads her to a rocky area for a scene, a touch on a hand as one of them hands the other a water bottle, or gum or a script.  Even when McQuaid had to kiss her, Emaline didn't have to tell Kate that it was just pretend kissing - for some strange reason she trusted Emaline, as if there was an unspoken agreement between them. But after the kiss with McQuaid, and McQuaid had asked if they can shoot it again, Kate was the first to quickly say "No" much to McQuaid's disappointment.

Everything had been fine until Emaline had ignored her on the bus ride home. She'd thought nothing of it, thought maybe Emaline had been tired, but when Emaline comes up to her Monday after their trip, she'd wondered and worried that Emaline would tell her it was a mistake, that they should just forget it. To her surprise, when she and Emaline are alone by the stairs, Emaline tells her something that Kate would never, in a million years, think she'd say: That she liked her. Said so simply, with such vulnerability, the fear of rejection evident in her eyes. There had been though in that admission, quiet confidence and courage - Emaline had never looked so small and afraid at that moment. Had they not been at school, Kate would have gathered her in arms, but she had restrained herself, unable still to believe that Emaline, beautiful Emaline, who had always went after what and who she wanted, consequences be damned, liked her. Later, much later, gay friends would tell her how lucky she was. Not every gay person gets to have the first girl they ever cared for, care for them back. Not in high school. Not ever. Emaline had been the exception, not the rule. Most of her gay friends would struggle through their first loves, experiencing rejection, pain, depression - but Emaline had given her a gift, the precious gift of liking her back too, and that has made the difference. Over the years Kate would meet other women - more beautiful, sexier, than Emaline, but at that moment, by the stairwell, all Kate can see is Emaline. For the rest of high school all she ever sees is Emaline.

So when Emaline had asked her if it was okay to like her, Kate almost tripped over her response in her rush to say "Yes" - at that moment, Emaline could have told her to jump off a cliff, throw herself infront of a bus, she could have told her anything and Kate would have done it. Kate would have done anything for Emaline. Anything. Kate had wanted to tell her so much then, her heart close to bursting wanting to tell her everything she felt around Emaline, but her heart was pounding so hard against her chest, she couldn't contain her excitement, a tingle going up her spine at Emaline telling her she'd see her later. She'd have gone doing cartwheels and dances and jumping jacks then for the happiness that she could not contain in herself. That had probably one of the best days she's ever had.

* * *

It is when the car finally passes by the "Welcome to Boring" that Kate realizes she is really coming home. At the guys’ insistence, they all get out of the car so they can take selfies at the “Welcome to Boring” sign.

They pass by the bridge and memories of endless days cycling through this very bridge comes to Kate. As the car pulls into the small town's familiar streets, Kate peers out, there are familiar and unfamiliar buildings - Luke and Tyler occassionally explaining that a shop has closed or that a new one has opened. The shop where they used to go to buy clothes is still open, to Kate's surprise.

When the car pulls into their neighborhood and up their drive, Kate can't contain her excitement. When Luke cuts the engine and the door opens to reveal her father, Ken Messner, older and graying, and Sherry, Luke's mother, looking like she hasn't aged a day, laugh lines and only a few wrinkles on her face and Zayn, her half-brother, tall and handsome, waves at them. Everyone quickly piles out of the car and meet halfway, Kate hugging Zayn first, then Sherry, then finally her father, hugging him the longest, realizing that as she did so, how much she’s missed him. Her father clutches at her, seemingly not believing she’s actually here.

Luke and Tyler make high fives with Zayn, hug Sherry and Ken, before they all troop into the house.

As everyone is laughing and joking, Kate steps into the house and freezes.

For there, stepping out of the living room, is Emaline Addario, in the flesh, porcelain skin luminous and fair, straight silk hair falling around her face. She looks at Kate. Then Emaline smiles that slow, warm smile that reaches all the way up to her blue green eyes, eyes that radiate with warmth and she says, tentatively, softly, “Hey, Kate.”


	4. Chapter 4

Emaline Addario looks even more stunning now - if that were even entirely possible. She looks softer, her make-up highlighting her more graceful features, the light accentuating her cheekbones. Her silken hair is only a couple of inches shorter from what it was in high school, cascading down luminous, warm, ocean eyes looking at her with a smile. The years have been kind to Emaline Addario. She may have a few lines on her face, and she's filled out a little, her face and body more mature than the high school junior Kate had fallen for, but it is still the same Emaline. When Emaline just looks at her with a smile, Kate's heart flutters in response, something stirs in her stomach and she feels a blush creeping up her neck. Kate may not have seen Emaline in years but the air still suddenly becomes electric whenever she's in a room with her.

Kate doesn't realize she'd been staring at Emaline until her stepbrother, then her father, clear their throat. She looks over at them and Luke has an amused look on his face. Tyler is oblivious though and is asking what's for dinner, while Ken and Sherry try to ignore what seems like an awkward moment between Kate and Emaline. Zayn just looks from one woman to the other, lop-sided smile revealing he's figured out something. He signs to his mother. Sherry glares at him. Kate looks at Zayn and glares, too. If  Emaline notices what Zayn has signed or has noticed how Kate has responded, she gives no indication.

Ken clears his throat again. "Dinner everyone?" He says as he leads everyone into the kitchen. "You're just in time we're introducing Zayn to 'Friends' and 'Seinfeld'" - to which Zayn makes a face - "Emaline just came by to talk a bit about the high school reunion, which, I'm not gonna lie is gonna be _huge_. We've got alumni coming all over the country, a fair, a concert, an outreach program - our fund-raising drive will go along way for funding the arts at school. Things have been tough since they cut the funding..." And Ken launches into one of his tirades as everyone takes a seat, complaining again about how the federal government has cut funding for the arts in public schools, the teachers' strike for higher pay, deteriorating facilities, education in general and students in particular. "Kids today," Ken is saying as he shakes his head, signing for his son, Zayn, as he does so, "With their mobile phones and their facebook and their Instagram...and their need for selfies and validation..."

Zayn rolls his eyes and says, "I'm right here..."

Kate and Luke grin as Ken ignores Zayn. Kate glances at Emaline who smiles back at her. Kate is sure her cheeks are burning.

"Dad...." Kate finally says. "The house looks good..."

"Oh yes," Ken says, launching into another monologue about how after Sherry and Luke moved in, they decided to renovate the house - expanding on it so that there would be an extra room for Luke, a larger first floor space and so on. 

After he's done getting them all up to speed, he then says,,"You guys must be tired...That must've been a long trip."

Luke shakes his head. "Longer." When Ken press him for details, Luke says, "Tyler kept wanting to stop so we could take photos."

"What? Instagram is the greatest," Tyler says with a grin.

This launches a new conversation about the trip and Tyler tells them about stopping by the motel and Dominguez Rocks.

The rest of the dinner goes by without a hitch.

* * *

The dinner reminds Kate of the first dinner she and her father had dinner with Luke and Sherry. But mostly she remembers that kiss she and Emaline shared at the auditorium - and how she had wanted it to last forever and how it confirmed to her that she was really gay and that she really liked Emaline. She'd been on the verge of telling her father about it but then they had that dinner and it would take her awhile to tell him about it.

Emaline hadn't stayed long at the premier after party that night. Kate had managed to tell her she was having dinner with Luke and Sherry and Emaline had smiled then and told her, "Call me tonight?" To which Kate had enthusiastically nodded. Emaline almost kissed her then but then they weren't in the auditorium anymore.

The whole dinner with her father, Luke and Sherry, all she can think of had been Emaline. While she was excited about her father finally finding happiness after so long, she had been just as equally excited about her own so much so that she'd had trouble concentrating the whole evening, distracted by the memory of the touch of Emaline's lips on her own. Restless and anxious, she hadn't even noticed that someone had knocked on the door until Luke had gotten up, said he'd get it and he'd come back puzzled, telling everyone nobody was there. "Probably somebody pranking me again," he'd said with a shrug.

She'd been relieved when the dinner was over, impatient that the car couldn't get home soon enough. Once she and her father had arrived at home, she went straight to the phone and called Emaline.

"Hey,"Emaline had said on the first ring.

"Hey, sorry I called late, dinner went on too long," Kate explained.

Emaline had giggled. "It's fine. I actually thought the dinner might last longer and you might not be able to call back."

Kate had smiled. "Of course I was gonna call you. I said I would didn't I?"

Emaline had grown silent then. When she still had not spoken, Kate had grown anxious. "Hey, you okay?" she'd asked Emaline.

Emaline had cleared her throat then and said, as if her voice was breaking, "Nothing. It's just...people don't usually keep their promises...with me at least. Oliver didn't usually..."

"Well, I'm not Oliver..." Kate carefully ventured a response.

She closed her eyes, hoping she didn't offend Emaline.

But Emaline laughed softly and said, "No, no you're not at all...It's one of your best qualities actually..."

"So, you chose me, on purpose, because I'm _not_ Oliver...?"

"No,no, of course not," Emaline quickly said. "That's not it at all...I don't think you get to choose who you care about..."

Kate grinned. "So you care about me..."  she teased her.

"Um...yeah...I do actually..." She pauses awkwardly before she tentatively asked her, "Is that okay?"

Kate grinned, knowing Emaline couldn't see her. "Of course it is."

"It's just nice to finally meet someone you can rely on." Emaline had sighed then. "How was your day? How was dinner?"

Kate smiled into the phone and recounts how dinner was. She could only tell her a brief account of it - she wasn't nearly paying as much attention as she should have. Emaline didn't seem to mind though.

"That's great...that your father and Luke's mom found each other,"Emaline had said.

"Yeah, I think so. So random but yeah," Kate said. "How about you? How was _your_ day?"

There was a silence on the other line. "Oh, it was great. I made out with someone..."

"Yeah?"

"It's this really awesome sophomore who I thought wouldn't give me the light of day?"

"Funny. I heard you were the one who wouldn't have given her the light of day..."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah. I heard you were kind of mean to her..."

"Yeah, I was a jerk to her...but I'm sorry about that..."

"Hey, it's fine, alright?"

"Yeah, sorry," Emaline had said anyway.

 "So, what do you wanna do?" Kate had suddenly asked then. When Emaline had pressed her about the question, Kate had shrugged and continued, "After high school? What are you gonna do?"

 "I don't know. I'm still figuring myself out, you know?"

Kate had nodded then. Encouraged, Emaline had continued, "Maybe drama school? Or art school? But I'm not sure..."

"Why is that?"

"I don't know. I'm not sure though if that's what I want to be doing for the rest of my life...I can't even imagine what it's gonna be like on Monday..." They grew silent for a few seconds and then Emaline asked, "What about you?"

Kate had shrugged. "I don't know either...I've got a year or a few months still? Before my dad starts seriously bugging me about it..."

They'd talked about everything that night - what Emaline's plans were after high school, what Kate's plans were, even what their favorite books where (Kate's favorite had been 'To Kill a Mockingbird' to which Emaline had said,"Of course you do." "Why? What's your favorite book?" Kate had asked her and Emaline had said, "American Psycho." Kate hadn't understood what that meant until she had been able to watch the movie later and couldn't get past the first one Patrick Bateman started killing. When she'd been able to get a copy of the novel in college she couldn't even finish it). They listened to each  other's music (Emaline had groaned when Kate had shared Tori Amos' music to her and when Kate had asked why, Emaline had laughed and said, "No, nothing, it's just..." Then she had stopped and only laughed. Emaline had liked angry music - grunge, alternative, metal such as Nirvana, Pearl Jam, Soundgarden, Rage Against the Machine, Metallica and Megadeth. Kate had heard of them but hadn't listened to them, but when she did, she'd been surprised at how loud they were. "No, no, you have to really listen to get it," Emaline had explained later) and even shared poetry to each other - Emaline secretly liked Walt Whitman and had shyly read favorite passages from his poems as Kate listened quietly on the other end of the line. Later, Emaline would give her a copy of 'Leaves of Grass' and Kate would carry the book around in her backpack all the time.  

 Suddenly Emaline had sighed.

"What?"

"I want to see you,"Emaline said. "I _have_ to see you."

"I want to see you, too,"Kate had said. "Tomorrow?"

Emaline was silent then and said, "Okay." They'd been silent for awhile, just listening to each other breathe, when Emaline had suddenly said, "I can't stop thinking about you..."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah,"Emaline had responded. "All I can think about is that kiss? At the auditorium...? And all I can think about is kissing you now..."

The last part of her sentence, said quietly, earnestly, had made Kate shiver, heart fluttering. "Me, too,"she had admitted softly.

"Really?" Emaline had said, hopefully. " 'Cause I thought maybe things are happening too fast and...I don't want to fuck this up?"

Kate had laughed a little then. "No, you're not. It's fine."

"You sure? Because if it's getting too much...Then I'm sorry...It's too much isn't it? It's too much..."

Kate had shaken her head then and laughed. "No...no...it's okay...Don't be...you never ever have to apologize about things like that, to me..." Kate had taken a deep breath then and said, "But maybe we take it slow for now though...?"

"Oh, okay..."

"It's just...I've never really done this before...pretty much all of this..."

"That's fine...I've never really done this before either..."

When Kate had laughed, Emaline had laughed, too and said, "Alright, once,with Oliver and then it was just a couple of hand jobs and..."

Kate had laughed then. "Eww. Gross. Okay, that's fine...I don't think I want to hear the gory details."

Emaline laughed. "Okay.What did you think of me, the first time you saw me?"

"You already know what I thought of you the first time." When Emaline has insisted, she said, "Alright, I thought you were the most beautiful girl I ever saw."

"Really? I'm such a mess."

"No, you're not."

"Yes, I am. I don't even know what you see in me..."

Kate had laughed. "What do _you_ see in me?"

"You're just... _you_...Kate...cool, awesome, smart Kate who doesn't give a shit about things..."

"Except you..."

"Except me..." Emaline had been silent then. "What if you get sick of me?"

"How can you even say that?"

"What if you got to know me more and...and realize your girlfriend's more messed up than you think she is?"

Kate had grown silent then, and would have told her that the first time she saw her she thought she might love her forever and ever but she had said, instead, trying to stifle a yawn, "Pretty sure that's not gonna happen..."

"Okay. I can hear you yawning. Maybe we should sleep? I'll see you later?"

"Yes."

"Can't wait. Good night, Kate."

"Good night, Em."

"Em...I like that," Emaline had said. There was a heartbeat wherein Kate thought Emaline was going to say something else, and then Kate had asked hesitantly, "So what about Monday?"

"What about Monday?"

Kate had shrugged. "This. Us. Together...I mean are we together? Are we dating? Are you my girlfriend?"

Emaline had hesitated then, and said, softly, "Do you want us to be?"

 


	5. Chapter 5

"Kate?"

Sherry breaks her reverie then.

Kate shakes her head, focuses on her stepmother and says, "Sorry, what?"

"Keylime pie?" Sherry asks as she offers up a slice up for her.

Kate smiles. "Yes, please, thanks." When her father had started dating Sherry they started having more home cooked meals and less microwave dinners - one of the perks of having Sherry as her stepmother. She'd still been working a lot when she and Kate's father had started dating but she always made a point to make at least one or more home cooked meals when she was around.

"This is delicious Sherry, thanks," Kate says now resolving to make an effort to participate in the conversation.

Emaline and the others nod in appreciation.

"It's really good, Mrs. Messner," Emaline echoes, looking at Kate.

Kate looks down at her pie.

"Thank you," Sherry says with a flourish. But then she turns to Emaline and says, "And please, it's Sherry. Mrs. Messner is Ken's mother..."

Ken, Luke, Kate and even Emaline make a face at that one, suddenly reminded of how hard a time aforementioned, Oregon-born, conservative Republican Mrs. Messner had given everyone when Ken and Sherry were dating, and  when Kate had come out to her.

Sherry doesn't notice though as she tells Kate, "Nice blouse."

"Thanks," Kate says, rolling her eyes and looking down at her top. The other perk of having a stepmother was that she'd help Kate pick out clothes that fit her better. High school Kate still liked her flannel, jeans and Tori Amos shirts paired with sneakers and a backpack, she just had better quality clothing now. Present Kate still liked the occasional flannel but she dresses better now than she did twenty years ago.

Luke and Zayn smile knowing smiles. Kate ignores them as she concentrates on taking a bite of the pie and the conversation around her: Kendrick Lamarr's Pulitzer Prize win and what it means for hip hop as discussed by Luke O'Neill quite passionately even as Ken points out Bob Dylan won a Nobel Prize, too.

As they finish dessert, Sherry gets up to clear the dishes. Zayn and Luke quickly get up, too, along with Kate, but Sherry swats Kate's hands away and tells her, "Let the boys help me. Tyler, there's some chips if you want to eat some more. The boys want to watch some more television."

Kate nods, feeling a bit out-of-place and useless as Luke and Zayn start teasing Sherry. She looks for Emaline and finds that she has disappeared.

* * *

Kate goes to the living room and sees her father and Tyler just settling back on the couch with beer as they flip through Netflix, discussing what to watch. Emaline is nowhere to be found.

After she's casually checked other places in the house, she finally finds Emaline outside, on the porch, watching the light autumn rain, a slight breeze blowing gently blowing hair and clothes as she hugs herself in the cold.

Kate grabs a jacket, takes a deep breath and steps out of the door.

* * *

Emaline turns with a start when she feels the jacket being draped on her shoulders.

"Kate, hey," she says. She runs a hand on the suede jacket and says, softly, "Thank you."

Kate looks down and mutters, "You're welcome."

They stand in silence for what seems like a long time before Kate asks, "What are you doing here? It's cold." Belatedly, she notices the cigarette Emaline is holding and which she had been trying to hide at first. "And I see you're smoking again..."

Emaline stares at the cigarette. "Yeah, bad habit I know. I've been trying to quit. I only smoke now when I'm nervous."

The statement, coupled with Emaline's fingers shaking a little, tells Kate she's as nervous around Kate as Kate is around her. Kate does not know what to say to that.

"So...how are you?" Emaline asks, regarding Kate with a smile. "It's been awhile...How many years has it been? Three? Four years?"

"Close to five, I think..."

"Oh."

"...Not that I was counting or anything..."

Emaline nods.

"You look good," Kate says awkwardly.

"Yeah, you too," Emaline says with a smile that's equal parts sad and soft.

"God I haven't seen you since..."

"Forever."

"Yeah, forever," Kate says with a smile that she feels is more a frown or a grimace. "So, I guess you really did it, huh? Move back to Boring? Didn't think you'd actually do it. Wasn't showbiz your life?"

Emaline had given her another sad smile, tucks her hair behind her ear, stares at her cigarette. "Yeah, I thought so,too. But, one day you wake up and realize the thing you've been dreaming about since you were a kid isn't the one you want to do anymore." Emaline looks at her with piercing eyes. "Besides, there comes a point in your life when you realize you're a talentless hack and you shouldn't really waste the rest of your life pretending anymore."

Emaline's statement is received with silence.

Kate says, "Thought you swore you'd never come back here..."

Emaline gives another shrug. "Well, people change... Some people promise to love you forever but there isn't such a thing as forever is there?" When Kate looks at her as if she's just hurt her, Emaline looks guilty and says, "I'm sorry. That was uncalled for."

Kate looks away and says, "Yeah, it was."

They both fall silent, unable to say anything else, the yawning gap between them apparent and growing with each second, neither one knowing how to bridge it or even where to start. Kate looks at Emaline and wonders how the one person you cared about the most has turned into a complete stranger you have absolutely nothing to say to. How do you unburn bridges? How do you unbreak a heart? How do you unhurt someone? How did they get here?

* * *

It hadn't always been this way.

Kate could remember, clear as day, their first moments together, when everything had been all sunshine and rainbows, spring and flowers, and they couldn't take their eyes off each other.

* * *

There'd been a time when Emaline had a thing for grand gestures, which sometimes embarassed Kate, but Emaline never did it publicly and never in a way that would humiliate Kate.

The morning after their first kiss, Emaline woke Kate up throwing pebbles at Kate's window. When Kate had eventually woken up and opened the window to Emaline shivering in the early morning air, looking up at her with a wide smile on her face, Kate had smiled.

"Emaline! What are you doing here?" she had whisper shouted at her, leaning out the window.

Emaline had grinned. "I wanted to see you," she loudly whispered back. "I hope you don't mind."

Kate had only shaken her head,   burying her face in her hands, giggling. She looks at Emaline again.

"Good morning," Emaline had said, tucking her hair behind her ear.

Kate had rested her hand on her cheek. "Good morning."

Emaline had then stopped, bowed with a flourish and said, "Rapunzel, Rapunzel please let your hair down..."

Kate grinned.

Emaline grinned some more. She had then become serious and said, _"But, soft! what light through yonder window breaks?_

_It is the east, and Juliet is the sun._

_Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon..."_

Kate had stared at her then and said, "Oh my god, are you quoting Shakespeare at me?"

Instead of answering, Emaline had continued,

" _It is my lady, O, it is my love!_

_O that she knew she were!"_

"You are so gonna wake my dad up,"Kate had warned her.

" _She speaks, oh speak again bright angel for thou art as glorious to this night..."_

"You're gonna wake the whole _neighborhood_. Or the whole western hemisphere."

" _The brightness of her cheek would shame those stars,_

_As daylight doth a lamp."_

Kate had rolled her eyes. "Stop reciting Shakespeare!" Kate had said, but there was a smile on her face.

" _Her eyes in heaven_

_Would through the airy region stream so bright_

_That birds would sing and think it were not night._

_See how she leans her cheek upon her hand_

_O that I were a glove upon that hand,_

_That I might touch that cheek!"_

Kate had laughed then and said, "Wait here."

* * *

Kate had barely closed the door behind her, as she shivered in the autumn air, before Emaline was hugging her. Emaline had leaned over to kiss her but Kate had leaned back, indicating her sleeping dad and the neighbors. Emaline looked sexy in her tight jeans with the flared hem, sneakers, tank top and shirt. 

"Good morning to you, too."

Emaline had grinned then and said, "What are you doing now?" When Kate had shrugged, Emaline had said, "Wanna have breakfast me?"

* * *

Emaline had driven them to one of the less popular trails, refusing to tell Kate what she had planned. Kate had quickly put on some overalls and sneakers and when Emaline had seen her wearing those, she'd shaken her head, smiled and told her, "God, you're so adorable." She'd looked like she was on the verge of saying something else, but she'd stopped herself before she could and cleared her throat instead, telling Kate, "Let's go."

Emaline had blindfolded Kate all throughout the drive and led her through the trail.

"Oooh, this is some nice S and M bondage shit," Emaline had joked then when she had blindfolded Kate.

"What's that?"

"Um, never mind." She had told her, "We should have a safeword..."

"A safeword....?"

"Like for if things got too much you just say the word..."

"Like banana slug?"

"What's that?" Emaline had asked. "Never mind. Anyway, how about..."

"Borgjuice?"

"Um, okay..." Emaline had said, before muttering, "You are such a weird girlfriend."

Girlfriend. She had liked that. Being Emaline's girlfriend. As much as she had liked having Emaline as her girlfriend. They'd talked about that last night and had realized that that was what they both wanted, except that neither one had wanted to come out yet and Kate had wanted to tell her father much to Emaline's apprehension. Kate finally assured Emaline she'd come out to her father but not about Emaline just yet. "It might give him a heart attack," she'd commented to which Emaline had laughed.

Kate could smell berries, flowers, grass. She could hear a babbling brook off to her left, birds chirping, leaves rustling in the autumn morning breeze. The wind was chilly and had on its breath the scent of autumn, rivers and of the hills beyond.

"Where we going?" Kate had asked, shivering.

Emaline must have noticed her shivering because she had taken her jacket off and draped it on Kate's shoulders. She had also put her arm around Kate's waist, and her warmth had sent an electric pulse down Kate's spine. She had put her arm on Emaline's shoulder, drawing her closer, inhaling soap and shampoo and jasmine and, just because she could, planted a kiss on Emaline's head, then her forehead, and cheek and before either one knew it, they had stopped in their tracks to kiss each other. Silence had surrounded them as they kissed for what had seemed like forever, or what Kate had wished was forever before Emaline had drawn back reluctantly and said, "We really have to go now. At the rate we're going we'll get there before sundown and _then_ your dad would have to kill me. He already hates me as it is."

"He doesn't hate you. He likes everyone. It's one of his best qualities."

"He gave me detention."

"He gives everyone detention."

"Except you. 'Cause you're a good egg."

Kate sighed. "Ugh. Yeah. I'm so boring I shouldn't be allowed to live. I'm literally the physical embodiment of this town."

Emaline had laughed and hugged her closing. "Don't say that. You're, like, fast becoming my favorite person."

Kate had laughed with her then.

"Anyway, I'm surprised he let out his goody goody two-shoes daughter to come hang out with the angry, alt-rock, artsy, detention-prone chick," Emaline had commented.

"That's because he thinks I'm with Leslie," Kate had commented. When Emaline had looked at her, Kate had shrugged and said, "He assumed I was hanging out with her. I just didn't correct him." 

Emaline had grinned.

They had walked in companioble silence for awhile, Kate stumbling sometimes, but Emaline had a firm grip on her so she wouldn't lose her balance. Finally Emaline had stopped, announced they had arrived, and instructed Kate to "Wait here..."

Kate had stood there waiting for Emaline. At first she had thought maybe Kate hadn't changed her ways and she was probably pulling an elaborate prank in which all of Boring High is actually in the woods and Emaline would remove the blindfold and announce that their relationship was actually all a big joke, an elaborate ruse to lure her into the woods for just this very purpose. She shivered a little as a light breeze blows.

But then a crunch of shoes and Emaline had come back, announced it was all okay now and removed the blindfold.

What she had seen surprised her.

* * *

 "You did all this?" Kate had asked staring, jaw open, at the red and white checkered cloth on the grass, with a picnic basket, with some food, a thermos, cups and plates laid out.

"I'm sorry," Emaline had apologized then, "I woke up early and I couldn't go back to sleep and this is all we have on such short notice." As they both advanced to the food, Emaline had explained, "I've got sandwiches, Toaster Strudel, some Linden cookies, Scooby Doo fruit snacks - can I have all the blue please? And some gummy burgers. Because who doesn't love adorable little gummy snacks? I brought some apples and bananas, too. And extra bread and jam, in case you wanted to eat some more." When Kate didn't say anything and just stared at what Emaline had prepared, Emaline had quickly said,"It's terrible. It's crap, I know. Ugh. What was I thinking? I should just throw it all away..."

But then Kate had stopped her with a kiss, deep, long, slow, before she pulls back and says, "It's perfect."

* * *

"I've been thinking about what you said," Emaline had said after.

Kate had looked up at Emaline then. She had been lying on Emaline's lap, long legs stretched out, feet crossed at the ankles, hands at her stomach, looking up at the blue sky peeking among the surrounding trees. Emaline had chosen a perfect stop, a small clearing surrounded by trees, completely shielded from the trail and other people, peaceful, private and intimate. Emaline had told her it would be their own secret spot. They'd had a nice breakfast and it was adorable how Emaline fussed over her, handing her food, feeding  her, wiping a spot of jam from her lips with a kiss, just laughing and talking. Kate had been surprised that Emaline had prepared this. Later, when she'd casually asked if Emaline and Oliver had gone there, too, Emaline had told her she and Oliver didn't usually go out, or date - that mostly they stayed at home, making out or in school, rehearsing and making out.

Now, both of them full and satisfied, Emaline had just sat down, legs stretched out, while Kate had lain on her lap, Emaline's fingers running over her hair. Kate had remembered thinking then that she had wanted to stay like that forever, tucked away in the woods in their little clearing, away from the world's prying eyes, just talking and laughing and sharing things. They'd have stayed there the whole day, too, but around lunch or early afternoon - both had lost track of the time - it had started to rain a bit lightly and they had scrambled to gather their things, ran to Emaline's car, the rain by that time already stronger and both are soaking wet and shivering, but Emaline had just stopped outside the car, seized Kate and kissed her, in the rain, for what seemed like ages. Kate had wanted that moment to last forever, too...

* * *

 Kate would not know though so early in the day, that it would rain later. At that time, she had just looked at her then and asked, "What?"

"What I wanna do with the rest of my life," Emaline had said, tucking stray hair behind her ears as a slight breeze blows around them. As Kate waited, Emaline drew a deep breath and said, "I think I want to travel..." Then hesitantly, she had continued, "Last summer, my family and I went to New Orleans? I got into an argument with my mother and I'd walked out on her, really pissed off. There was some Mardi Gras going on and it was night and there were so many people around, so much going on, lights and fireworks and dancing on the streets, and people of all walks of life - drag queens and gay men and tourists in shorts  - of all different colors and shapes and sizes going around and there was this pretty girl who came up to me with a joint and talked to me and gave me half her beer and next thing you know we were kissing and making out..." Here Emaline had blushed, stopped, and looked at Kate. Kate didn't say anything, just smiled and twined her fingers with Emaline's. "And before that time I didn't know I'd be so into it? She was a great kisser and she was gentle and sweet and nice. But I freaked out and I wasn't ready for people to call me queer and I just...ran from her, kept running, didn't even think about where I was going and I realized that I'd gotten lost. And I didn't have any money on me and I had no idea where the hotel was and then I was worried because I was, like, going to have to be a bag lady or something and be some homeless street kid in New Orleans and my face would be on a milk carton all over the country and finally, I like, wandered out into this park and I sat down and there was a jazz concert going on and I just, like, breathed. And I realized, I had been so focused on running away and then focused on getting back that I hadn't even noticed... where I was. And I hadn't noticed anything. And so I started to. I started to notice the... personality of the place and like, how people talked and greeted each other in the streets and the stars in the sky. And it felt like I was just letting go of something... But also like finally in the world... And, you know, I eventually found my way back but those few hours, those were like the best, the best part of my trip. And I just, I wanna get that feeling back again, getting lost and letting go and finding your way back. There's so much stuff I wanna see." Emaline had ended then, a bit embarassed at what she had said. It was the longest she'd probably spoken - it had always been Oliver who spoke for them and when she did speak it was only to say dramatic or mean things. Kate had smiled and said nothing, touched at what Emaline shared with her. Kate could feel then the beginnings of a growing pride in Emaline as she got to know her more. And maybe something else. 

Then Emaline had continued, "And then you told me you thought I was perfect and that was like, code for liking me wasn't it? And something clicked and I realized I liked you, too and there was no use denying it and I couldn't keep running away from that anymore and admitting it to myself? That felt like letting go to finally be found. Like finding your way back."

* * *

The front door slams with a loud bang and Tyler, Zayn and Luke are standing there all happy and excited. Both Emaline and Kate almost jump in surprise. Tyler mutters a sorry. Emaline and Kate step back from each other embarassed. The men are oblivious to the nervous tension between them.

"It's early," Tyler announces. "Let's go check out the festival...maybe drink some beer and throw up at the ferris wheel."

Everyone makes a face.

"Or just go check out the fest full stop," Luke says.

"Yeah, what he said," Tyler says with a grin.

Emaline and Kate are nodding even before they've finished their statement, not saying anything as they follow the boys to Luke's car.

As each of them get into the car, Tyler casually asks, "Oh, hey, Emaline, is your husband gonna be there?"

Kate stops, her heart lurching to her stomach. She doesn't hear the rest of the conversation. All she can hear is the word 'husband' echoing in her mind. _Husband_. Emaline has a husband...Emaline is married.

This is news to her.

 


	6. Chapter 6

Emaline and Kate quietly make their way around the fair, walking around the grounds, surrounded by people milling about, parents with their kids, teenagers, couples out on dates, trying out the Ferris Wheel, the merry-go-round and other rides, the games, the fortune teller in her tent, the food kiosks, and the other bric-a-brac that comprise a local festival.

They are civil to each other, laugh politely, exchange small talk - Kate talking about work in L.A., Emaline a bit more vague, mentioning starting something that involved being her own boss. Of her husband she says nothing.

Kate had asked Luke earlier why no one had remembered to tell her Emaline had gotten married. Luke had looked uncomfortable and told her it slipped his mind ("It slipped your mind?" Kate asks, incredulous. Luke looks at her, puzzled, before saying, "I don't know, maybe I just conveniently forgot to tell you so I could avoid that annoyed look you have right now about your ex-girlfriend.")

* * *

"He looks like a dick with a hairdo," Kate comments to Luke when Emaline leaves them for a little while to meet with her husband. Emaline had introduced her husband to Kate. Luke and the others had already met him.

Luke looks at her now, uncertain. "I don't know. He's really nice. I think you'd like him. He's a Moslem French Canadian Arab. Sometimes he's French, sometimes he's Canadian, mostly he's very Arab."

Kate snorts. "He looks like a very tall, hairy Muppet."

"I...honestly don't know if that's offensive or racist or both."

"Like Bert _and_ Ernie, you know, from Sesame Street."

"Yes, I know. But he's either a dick or a hairy Muppet, he can't be both..."

Kate seems to not be listening to him as she continues, "...What does she see in him?"

"You said that about Oliver...and pretty much almost every person Emaline's dated after you," Luke points out. Then he stops. "Oh my god!"

Kate turns to look at him. "What?"

"You still have feelings for her!"

"What are you talking about?"

"You. Jealous over some guy Emaline just happened to marry. I mean dude, if you're jealous, then that must mean you still care for her."

"No, I do not," Kate denies.

"Do, too."

"Do not."

"Do too!"

"No, I'm not jealous of Emaline's husband, okay? I just think Emaline could do so much better than a Muppet-looking gorilla with a pointy chin that could poke an eye out and teeth like that."

Luke is silent. Kate looked over at him.

"Can I just say something?" Luke begins. When Kate is about to say something, Luke puts his hands up to stop Kate from interrupting. He takes a deep breath. "I think it's stupid you're not together. I do. I think you guys are perfect for each other. I really do. But you've had so many chances in the past to be with Emaline and all that's gone now. That was a huge mistake. But it's done. Did you really think she wouldn't move on? Did you want to find someone first before she did? I mean you were the one who said you were done. Once and for all. She'd respected that. She's moved on. She wasn't going to wait for you forever. You know she's the commitment-marrying type. And you were never gonna give her that. She's happy. I think you should be, too." He pauses, let's that sink in, before he continues. "Okay, I said what I had to say. I just had to say it 'cause you're one of my favorite persons in the world. I'm not going to say another word, I just needed to say that out loud."

* * *

Luke leaves to join Tyler and Zayn after that leaving Kate standing there speechless, asking herself the same question. Could it be true? Did she still have feelings for Emaline?

She thinks of that day in the woods when she was the one Emaline she chose and not this anonymous man she has now married.

* * *

"Thank you for coming out today and spending time with me," Emaline had told her then as they drive back to the town. She'd waited for a beat and said, "It's my birthday today."

Kate had looked at her. "It is? You should have said."

Emaline had only smiled at her. "Yeah, turning seventeen today."

"Well, happy birthday," Kate had said, reaching out to touch Emaline's cheek and tucking stray hair behind Emaline's ear.

"Thank you," Emaline had said.

"So...what do you want for your birthday?" Kate had suddenly asked. "I feel like a shitty girlfriend for A. Not knowing your birthday and B. Not getting you a present. So I think I should really make it up to you..."

"You don't have to do that," Emaline had said, peering out into the windshield, shifting gears and putting a reassuring hand on Kate's knee. "I'm fine."

"Well, can I at least do something for you?"

Emaline had shaken her head. "No."

"You sure?" Emaline had nodded at her question. She had been silent for awhile before she'd asked, "Well, if I knew it was your birthday and I could get you anything you want that's affordable and within my budget, what would you want to get?"

Emaline had pretended to think for a second before looking at Kate, smiling and saying, "Nothing, just you." She'd reached out to put her hand on top of Kate's before pulling away to shift gears.

Kate had blushed and smiled, looked down at her hands and said quietly, "It's my birthday coming up."

"Really?" Emaline had said, with a grin.

"Yeah, gonna be sixteen soon," Kate had said.

Emaline grinned. "Sweet sixteen," she'd commented. "We're kind of, like, practically twins."

Kate had laughed at that. When they'd gotten to Kate's house, her father had gone out, leaving a note for Kate. Emaline had stayed with Kate the whole afternoon and night, ending up falling asleep curled together on Kate's bed.

* * *

Kate wouldn't tell her father about Emaline for a while. Whether because she'd been worried that her father would freak or wouldn't handle it very well, what with a budding relationship with Sherry and work, she didn't know. She hadn't known.

* * *

Luke, McQuaid and Tyler would find out sooner, although neither Emaline nor Kate would have wanted to if they could help it.

Kate had told Emaline she'd wanted to keep their relationship to themselves first, for as long as she could, before the others find out and the inevitable questions, jokes, teasings, curious and not-so curious looks and god-knows-whatever-else came. When Emaline had asked her why, Kate had shrugged and said, "I don't know...I guess I just want something that's mine...for awhile..."

Emaline had smiled then, reached out to touch Kate and said, "Okay. I understand." She'd looked at Kate then, squeezed her hand. "I am, you know."

"What?"

"Yours."

* * *

The first time Emaline had sat with Kate, Luke, McQuaid and Tyler, at lunch the Monday after Luke's successful film premier, the boys hadn't really wondered why she'd join them at lunchtime. They'd spent enough time together that having Emaline eating lunch with them hadn't been anything unusual. When Cedric and Leslie, Jessica and Scott, join them, too, though not as regularly as Emaline, Luke, McQuaid and Tyler just take it in stride.

* * *

The nth time Emaline joined Kate, Luke and McQuaid one Saturday to watch a movie, McQuaid irritatedly and sarcastically asked Kate, as Emaline went to the kitchen, "So is Emaline like, part of the gang now?"

Before Kate could answer, Emaline had replied, "Yes, McQuaid, I am." She'd looked McQuaid squarely in the eye and asked, as if in challenge, "You got a problem with that?"

McQuaid had been surprised with Emaline's answer.

Luke had looked at Kate, McQuaid and Emaline, forehead creased before he says, "Whoa, whoa, guys, hold up. Let's take a break first..."

McQuaid had just looked at both Kate and Emaline. Silence had settled then.

"What is your problem?"Kate had asked McQuaid then.

"What?" Mcquaid had asked, surprised.

"All this time I was friend with Luke? And when we were dating? You never liked me," Kate had accused McQuaid.

"What?" McQuaid had asked. "What are you talking about?" he'd asked uncertainly.

"Aw, c'mon, McQuaid, don't play dumb with me," Kate had said. "You don't think I don't notice the looks you give me everytime I join you for lunch or when I hang out with you guys here..."

"That's...that's not true,"McQuaid had said, blushing furiously.

"Yes, it is," Kate had insisted, looking at McQuaid hard. "You never liked sharing Luke and your other friends. You didn't like anyone else intruding in your precious gang."

"Whoa, shit just got real," Luke had commented, coming between Kate and McQuaid. "Take it easy guys, we're all friends here. No need to be hostile."

"I never said I didn't like you," McQuaid said defensively. "I just...you lied to Luke about being gay...leading him on like that? Seriously?"

Kate turned to Luke, upset. "Seriously? You freaking _told_ him?" she'd asked Luke. "What the hell Luke?"

"I didn't tell him, Kate, swear," Luke told her. He turned to McQuaid. "How do you know about that?"

"He didn't have to tell me. I saw it. With my own two eyes,"McQuaid had said.

 "What?" Luke had asked. "Anyway,  I knew Kate was gay. I just insisted she be my girlfriend anyway. She didn't want to. I was the asshole who made her go out with me even if she didn't want to."

"What?" McQuaid had asked. "That can't be right."

"Yeah, she's gay, she came out to me, I've known she was gay for awhile now,"Luke had confirmed it. He'd looked at McQuaid then. "What do you mean you saw Kate?"

"I...I saw Kate with...with... _her_ ," McQuaid said, indicating Emaline, refusing to look either Emaline or Kate in the eye.

"What? What are you talking about?" Luke had asked McQuaid, confused. "Kate doesn't have a..." Then understanding had dawned on him, he'd put his hand on his mouth and said, looking from Kate to Emaline and back, "Oh my god, you guys are dating?"

Emaline had looked at Kate for confirmation and permission and Kate had nodded. Kate then said with a sigh, "Yeah, we're dating."

"Oh my god," Emaline had said, too. "McQuaid, are you jealous?"

"Why would McQuaid be jealous?"Luke had asked then, but McQuaid had left to go to the kitchen, upset.

Emaline had followed, but not before warning Luke that she'd kill him, McQuaid and Tyler if they told anyone they were gay and dating. Luke would've followed then, but Kate had held him back, shaking her head.

Emaline would not tell Kate what she and McQuaid talked about but Emaline had confirmed that McQuaid hadn't really liked Kate, but that he'd really liked Emaline. Emaline choosing Kate over McQuaid had upset his ego.

"He'll come around,"Emaline had said.

McQuaid did indeed come around but not before sulking and avoiding everyone for weeks.

Later, when he did start hanging out with them again, he'd mentioned once that Luke had talked to him. Luke never told either Kate or Emaline about it, the only comment he'd had about their relationship being an eyeroll, a grin, a thumb's up sign and a jokey "Way to go, Kate!"Tyler hadn't cared and seemed happy for both Kate and Emaline. 

* * *

"I don't understand why Emaline and Kate dating is such a big deal to you," Luke had said. "They're together. They care for each other. Deal with it."

"You don't get it," McQuaid had said. "Emaline isn't supposed to be with Kate..."

"What, because Emaline is supposed to be with you?" Luke raised his eyebrows. "Wow. That's just...wow...I can't even..."

"You don't understand..."

Luke had put his hands as if to silence McQuaid. "Okay, no, _you_ don’t understand,” Luke had pointed out. “This isn’t about us. This isn’t about _you_. Kate and Emaline aren’t objects we’re just _entitled_ to. If they like us, that’s great, but if they don’t, then we just have to grin and bear it…”

“But Emaline and Kate are _gay_ …for each other…”

“What the hell is your problem with that?” Luke had asked. “Don’t be such a freaking homophobe, McQuaid. Kate’s my friend. And by extension, Emaline. And Kate’s gonna be part of my family soon enough. And even if they weren’t, that gives you no right to be such an asshole about it. You don’t need to accept who they are. They don’t need your, _our_ permission to be who they are. They deserve to be happy. You just need to respect that. But if you can’t, then I don’t think we can be friends anymore. And if you blab about this to anyone, I’m sure as hell gonna be the first to kick your sorry ass so hard you’re gonna be sorry you ever told anyone.”

They would not see McQuaid for weeks after that.

* * *

Emaline would drop by Kate's locker or hang out with her during free period - at the library, on the grounds, at the bleachers, during Emaline's rehearsals, or Kate's AV Club rehearsals. Sometimes Emaline would drop by Kate's house to do homework. Emaline would tell Kate's dad, tongue-in-cheek, that Kate needed tutoring in Math, and Kate was going to tutor Emaline in science. Emaline had to start preparing for the SATs anyway, she'd told Kate, if she wanted to get into a good school. When asked where she'd planned to study, she'd been unsure but she'd hoped to try her luck with Julliard (ambitious, Emaline concedes and expensive, but she wanted to try), UCLA, UCSC, UC Berkeley, some other drama schools that would hone her skills and make her a better actor. Kate had been surprised by this. Seeing Emaline at school, she hadn't thought of her as someone motivated enough to think far ahead into the future. But Emaline loved literature, especially drama, and they'd spent hours discussing the relation between fiction and reality. Emaline had always told her fiction, drama, wasn't about relating to the story or relating it to the present, but to find the truth in the story. At times, Kate had wanted to tell Emaline to slow down, that she wasn't as clever as Emaline was turning out to be but she was even more fascinated with Emaline. Once, Emaline had shown her her sketches - when they weren't studying or going through Emaline's lines for a rehearsal or some other school related work - Emaline would be sketching, sometimes using some pastel colors or colored pencils. She sketched in pencil, pastel, charcoal and her drawings would surprise Kate even more. She'd told Emaline this once and Emaline had smiled, told her it had helped that Kate was there, keeping her sane, that, in the words of Nabokov, she was helping her ordinary pebble of an ordinary life transformed into a jewel. When Emaline wasn't doing any of these things, she would read, another thing had in common: that they would read and share what they read to each other.  Reading had been a way for them to get to know each other, to figure out what the other liked. More than than this had been a longing to communicate their desire for a deeper, more physical intimacy than just kissing. But it embarassed Kate to bring it up and Emaline hadn't known how to bring it up either. Once, Emaline had come across a novel called "Annie on My Mind" - a book that had really blown her mind, she told Kate later and she'd shared the book to Kate. They'd read and re-read the book together and apart, finally feeling not so alone in a small Oregon were each one felt like they were the only gay people there. It would take them a while to get to a more intimate level with their physical relationship – Kate’s inexperience and shyness and Emaline’s reluctance coupled with how conservative their little town was serving to make either one hesitate and not bring it up til later. Emaline had hunted movies as well and found a couple of them on VHS - secretly watched when Kate's dad wasn't looking and vigilantly hidden so as not to be found. The gay movies then weren't that good, they would later admit - with depressing endings that sometimes ended in suicide. Emaline preferred more mainstream ones - loved movies like "Dead Poets Society" and had insisted once to Kate that she refer to her as Tuwanda. Kate had laughed and said, "Okay." Gradually they slowly created a secret world of their own, a world were the mere mention of a word ("Tuwanda!")  meant something, were reciting lines of Shakespeare or singing random lyrics from rock song would make either one smile. For Kate and Emaline it was like a code, a way for them to communicate freely without the outside world figuring out that they were more than friends to each other.

On weekends, they'd go hiking in the woods, exploring the place or sneak off into Portland to go to the mall or check out an underground concert. Mostly they'd stay at home, especially when winter came, watching whatever was on television If Ken Messner found anything unusual about Emaline and Kate suddenly striking up a friendship with each other, he wouldn't say, although he would comment once, later on, that maybe they spend too much time together.

* * *

So these are her memories of Emaline in high school: Trees and trails, fireflies and twilight, sunrise and coffee, books, always the books, Melville, Poe, Fitzgerald, Austen, Hemingway, T.S. Eliot, Steinbeck, Shakespeare, rock music played over car stereos, hands and bodies entwined as they talked and argued and dreamed of the future.

All her memories of those years revolved around Emaline.

Over the years, as they grew up and learned more, their conversation would mature as well – Emaline’s previous love of “American Psycho” maturing to better choices, replaced by F.Scott’s Fitzgerald’s “The Great Gatsby”, in her opinion the greatest American novel ever written, hours spent dissecting the masterpiece together, not just for homework or class discussions but for personal discussions as well. Their taste in music, their interest in movies and television shows would evolve as well, as the 90s gave way to the 2000s, opening up avenues in which they could explore themselves reflected in the stories available to them. And as 9/11, the sub-prime mortgage crisis, the great recession, the war in Iraq and Afghanistan, the continuing racial and political tensions in the country loomed over the horizon, Kate would look back at this time as a more innocent time, when all they could do is hope and dream and think of better days. She'd come to realize something then as she got to know Emaline more: that they were more alike than they let on, that the attraction they had for each other had been because of that, that they recognized in each other an alienation and isolation, a loneliness and aloness bound not just by sexual attraction but surprisingly, similar views of the world, that at the end of the day they wanted more from life than what was given to them.

Emaline had seemed to mellow a bit, dressing down instead of dressing up, wanting to not stand out like she did before. Where before she'd freely admitted to Kate that others scared her, that she scared herself sometimes, that she didn't really know who she was if one took out the grunge outfits, the goth make-up, drama club, the shows, she only saw herself as other people saw her, but that Kate only saw Emaline for herself, and that with Kate, Emaline had wanted to be different. Emaline had said, "You make me want to be real. To be myself."

* * *

"It's weird, isn't it?" Emaline asks now.

Kate raises her eyebrows in question, surprised at Emaline’s statement and at finding Emaline suddenly standing by her side, husband nowhere to be found.

"To be back here and feel like you're different, but everything else has stayed the same,"Emaline comments.

Kate nods. "Yeah. Everything feels smaller now."

Emaline nods.

“It feels a bit like…the more things change, the more they stay the same, somehow,“ Kate says now.

Emaline agrees. “Yeah, you got that right.”

An awkward silence descends over both of them, before Emaline says, “So, about earlier…” When Kate doesn’t say anything, Emaline continues, “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said that.”

Kate is silent at first. Just when Emaline is about to give up and walk away, Kate smiles and says, “It’s fine.”

Emaline nods, sighing in relief. “Thank you,” she says quietly.

To Kate’s surprise, she reaches out and squeezes Kate’s hand. Kate looks at Emaline’s eyes. Her penetrating blue green eyes warm a little, making Kate catch her breath a little. Against her will, Kate feels the thrill of that smile send her heart to her throat, making her heart race. After all these years, Emaline can still make her heart race. The realization strikes Kate as quickly as Emaline lets her hand go. A lump in her throat forms. She feels a sadness form within her. She thinks maybe her brother is right.

**Author's Note:**

> A/N: Comments not unwelcome. Thanks for reading.


End file.
